retreat reflections

i should've written this a week ago, when everything was still fresh in my head. but yet again i have failed. this post may not be very comprehensive but at least it'll be better than nothing. hopefully my convictions will not fade away as fast as my memory does.

anyways, this winter retreat was actually really good for me. going into it, i felt that i had less anticipation than i did for undergrad. i'm not sure why, maybe it was cause i felt i had a lot more going on and was just plain busy, but who knows. nevertheless, i really do feel that God spoke to me in very real ways.

i started listening to francis chan's sermon podcasts for a year or two now and something that i really was challenged by was the way God calls us to give up everything to follow Him. i always just thought that God just wanted us to BE WILLING to give up everything to follow Him. you know, as long as we don't treasure our riches more than we treasure God, then that should be ok right? but no, from what i've read in the Bible this isn't the message Jesus preaches.

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

nowhere in there do i see "and he was willing to sell all he had to buy the field, but ended up not buying it and investing the money in something else". but somehow i have always had this thought in my heart, that God doesn't call me to give up the riches of this world, but just to let it go "in my heart".

so what does this have to do with the retreat? well, the last night of the retreat i felt that the message really spoke to me. it was exactly what i was feeling, that i needed to fight hard for my relationship with God to combat burnout. and his last point was the we need to learn faith by practicing it, by putting all that we have on the line. this in particular really spoke to me and that night i just had this conviction in my heart that i have to live out this message to "sell all i have" and live for the kingdom of God. i don't know what that means for my future, but what i do know is that i need to leave everything behind and follow Christ.

another year older

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

i have been 20 for about 50 hours now, and surprisingly i do feel significantly older than i did a few days ago. maybe it's because i'm not a teenager anymore. maybe it's because i'm entering a new decade of life. or maybe i'm just getting old. whatever the reason may be, i do feel like i really need to "step it up" and be a man. it's kind of weird, because that verse up there was going through my head and when i actually searched for it, i was surprised that it was stuck in the middle of a passage about love. i guess God's trying to show me that a man isn't just this macho guy who lifts heavy objects and eats lots of meat, but someone who loves. so what does this mean for me? it means i can't avoid people i'm uncomfortable around. it means i can't hold grudges against those who've wronged me. it means i can't be selfish and hoard everything for myself. all these things are "childish ways" that i have to put behind. i must love with Christ's love because that is the life Christ calls me to. to love with the kind of love that stretches out to enemies, to outcasts, to the lost. who knew that being a man was so hard?

where is the love fear?

"If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know him who said, 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' and again, 'The Lord will judge his people.' It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God."

this is scary. this passage probably describes a majority of Christians in america, which means that a majority of us will face a "raging fire". many times we just think of Jesus as our "homeboy" and nothing else. just a friend who's always there right when we need him, but never really anything more than that. we fail to fear God, and i'm not just talking about "respecting" God, but actually fearing Him and realizing that He holds our lives in His hands and can do with us whatever He wants. it is because of this lack of fear that we think it's permissible to continue to sin because in the end Jesus will just forgive us, right? what? you didn't know that those who abuse the grace of God will be consumed by a raging fire? i'm not saying God isn't loving or forgiving, but if we live our lives abusing the grace shown to us through the cross, who's to say we'll receive that love and forgiveness? and yes, it does say in the Bible that perfect love drives out fear and that we don't have to fear judgment if we have God's love in us, but it also says shortly after that "If anyone says, 'I love God,' yet hates his brother, he is a liar." God's grace should lead to change in our lives, where we are set free from sin, not given permission to sin.

new year's resolutions

5. journal more. i feel like i often times just go through the business of life without ever reflecting on what's going on, and i've been told that this is not good. thus, i want to journal more. and since i've already created this blog, i guess i'm already halfway there. i also have a physical journal with pieces of paper in it but i do not write in it very often. hopefully it will not be the same with this blog.

4. get in shape. no, there's no girl (yet) but i do want to get in better shape. as of now, i can barely run a mile without falling to the ground and passing out. this is not good. so hopefully i'll be able to make it to the gym at least a couple times a week and lift some weights and run. i also think i need to change my diet (which the one desire fast may help with, haha). so, i need to cut down on the late night runs to nypd, eating ramen before i go to sleep with my roommates, and just eat less food in general. oh joy

3. stay focused. i've been thinking a lot lately about that philippians passage about pressing on towards the goal and i realized that i get so easily distracted from what God wants me to do in my life. i feel like i've already broken this by spending hours playing bejeweled and ncaa in the first few days of this new year (i told myself that since there's no classes, this is permissable, but it's really not). but... i want to cut down on playing video games A LOT and only play sparingly or in situations where it legitimately promotes good fellowship.

2. build relationships with people. i think i'm the type of person who will just wait for someone to invite me out to a meal or whatever, especially when it comes with older people, but i want to really intentionally build relationships with people in my life. whether that means going out for a meal together, talking on gchat, or even just studying together, i want to make sure that i really make an effort to get to know people genuinely. i especially think it's important that i build relationships with people outside of church, so that i don't trap myself in this little bubble.

1. build my relationship with God. it's funny sad that time and time again God shows me how important it is for me to love Him and know Him more, but time and time again my times with God fail to be consistent and deep as many times i'll just breeze through my brp just to get it done (or not at all). similarly to #3, i want to focus my heart on God and not get distracted by other things, even my own studies. even if it means scheduling times to spend with God i want to do it if it means that i'll spend time with Him every day. i think i specifically have to grow in my prayer life even if it means locking myself in my room while my roommates are playing xbox.

these are not really in any particular order, nor are these all of my resolutions (i wonder if i used "nor" right... probably not), but these are at least some of my resolutions. it's definitely going to be hard, but who ever said it was going to be easy?

^"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

note

why did i decide to start a blog? some possible reasons:

• to tell the world about my opinions on life and such
• to express my emotions and how i feel inside
• to gain popularity and get as many people to read this blog as i can
• i had nothing else better to do

i don't really know why i started this blog. i guess i just felt that i needed to journal more and since i loathe writing with these things called hands, i felt that typing with these things called hands would be easier. but nevertheless, this blog has been created. i'm not really concerned if people read this or not, so feel free to never visit this page again. i won't be offended.

that is all.